So this is going to be angst ridden and whiny.  I just want to vent at this point.  You have been forewarned about angst ridden message that will soon be displayed below.  In all honesty, whoever may come across this, I’d rather not you read it.  If you do read this, then I hope you’re a stranger so I do not have to worry about judgement. 

I graduate tomorrow.  I should be happy, but I’m not.  I mean, I’m happy that I no longer have to juggle the needs of different classes at once.  I’m happy that I no longer have to be called stupid by my legal research teacher.  I’m happy that I no longer have to draft my own litigation forms.  I’m happy that I no longer have to sit through a professor’s lecture about why his opinion is the only one that matters.  I’m happy I won’t have to put up with my floor mates.  I should be happy.

But I’m not.  I do not have a job.  In American society, having a job is central to one’s life.  We are a work oriented people.  You start work, you work, you retire, and even then we work on our own projects.  All we do is work.  I cannot work, because I do not have a job, because I do not have the skill set that most places in Illinois look for.  I am looking out of state as well, but they usually reject out of staters rather quickly. I feel like a failure.

I’ve also been thinking a lot about my dreams.  I’ve fantasized about moving away from here.  I love my family, but they smother me.  I need to cut the umbilical cord because they wont.  At the same time, I know I would miss them terribly.  I would also miss my friends.  I’ve had the pipe dream of living in France and last week I felt like I could do that.  I blame fatigue brought on by finals for giving me such false hope.  I’ve read up on French culture, culture through an American’s eyes, history, etc.  It made me long for something foreign to me.  But, I know its impossible.  What the hell could I do to support myself in a country that is seven times zones ahead of me?  My old French roommate does not speak to me anymore.  I have no contacts.  Hell, I don’t really have any out of state contacts. 

I guess I feel like I have no direction.  That I’m destined to work and die.  I know most people usually set goals like buy a house, get married, have kids.  But, I can’t own a house in the near future because I don’t need that space.  Get married?  At the moment, my dating life is nonexistent.  My last relationship ended because there was no direction and communication difficult.  I just don’t see myself being attracted to anyone in the near future.  As for kids, that is just not going to happen.

I have no goals right now except to find a job that pays decent.  Its not much of a goal.  I feel like I’m slowly walking to my inevitable grave.  There was no grand adventure.  I haven’t done anything that I will say with pride to people.  I never climbed a mountain, I never became fluent in a second language, I never did anything grand.  I just feel pathetic.  I feel like I’ve done nothing of importance, while those around me have. 

Tomorrow I graduate.  I do a little song and dance for my relatives and pretend to be happy.  They are none the wiser, and they get to tell me that I will never be able to find anything with history.  In the back of my head, I fear they are right.  I go home, I fall asleep, I get up, I start my “work” that is given to me, my life continues in the mundane routine.